


To Break Apart (and Repair)

by orphan_account



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, One-Sided Attraction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-04-15
Packaged: 2018-10-19 04:31:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10632249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Being pushed away was not even the worst part of it all,seeing Hyungwon destroy himself was.





	

He could lay there on his bed all night, holding the pillow over his ears and burying himself underneath the covers. He could fill his head with the loudest thoughts and block out everything around him. He could chant away that he’s okay and that everything that’s happening is just a dream, just a nightmare. He could get pissed that no one seems to be doing a damn thing to change it or showing any acknowledgement of the situation whatsoever. He could blame it all on himself and say he just wasn’t good enough, that he destroyed everything. He could tell himself those sobs are just his imagination and hide them away in the darkest parts of his mind so he doesn’t have to listen.

He could block out the world and listen only to the silent rumbling of his own mind shattering itself with each new cry that breaks through the steady sound of the water. But no matter what he did, he would never truly be able to handle listening to the quiet cries and muffled screams that just barely slipped through the thin walls from the bathroom, thinking the running faucet was enough to drown them out. And he could curse the dorm for having such thin walls all he wants, but that would never change the self hatred he let seep into him as he laid there and did nothing. Did nothing to help, to ease the pain in his chest and the tightness in his throat. Did nothing to soothe his pain and nothing to help him. He just laid there, staring up at the ceiling, choking back his own sobs as he wondered:

where did it go wrong? And why was he not enough anymore?

 

 

The beautiful, smooth, yet slightly deep that filled his ears was relaxing, soothing, and he wanted to close his eyes and drown in the mere sweet sound of it. But he couldn’t even dare to tear his eyes away, to look anywhere but at the relaxed yet focused face of Hyungwon has he sang the song they’ve been practicing, even singing a few lines that weren’t his own just so he could get more of a feeling for the song. They sat together at the back of the empty practice room, ignoring the clock that showed it was well past one in the morning and both silently agreeing to ignore Kihyun’s warning to not stay behind long because they had more practice early in the morning as well.

But there they were, sitting beside each other, Hyungwon’s eyes shut so peacefully as he let himself become engulfed in his singing, trying only his very best to control his tired breaths and over-used voice while he sang the sweet tune as best an exhausted vocalist can. And Hoseok sat there, turned slightly with his head rested softly on the wall so he could watch how smoothly his lips moved with each syllable.

Hyungwon always asked Hoseok to stay behind with him so he could practice their choreography and songs in a more peaceful, quiet environment and get Hoseok’s opinion on what he should improve on next as well. And as the song finally ended and his voice faded softly, leaving a sort of dryness to his throat as he had been singing the song nonstop for over an hour or two by then, he turned to Hoseok immediately and waited for his opinion once again, just like he always did no matter how times he sang a song. Hoseok looked back at him with a smile, studying the way his eyes practically shined with hope.

“It’s perfect.” Hyungwon’s lips curved up into a smile at Hoseok’s words. “Even when you’re exhausted you still have such control over your voice.” Hoseok’s voice was soft as he spoke, quiet, as though speaking too loudly would ruin the atmosphere around them or even frighten Hyungwon. But the brunet’s lips curved up into a grin as he let out a few chuckles, glancing down at his fingers as he could feel his cheeks heating up in embarrassment. He didn’t handle compliments and praise very well.

“It still feels like my vocals are lacking in something everyone else has already. But...thank you.” Hyungwon let himself fall gently to the side, resting his head on Hoseok’s shoulder as he fiddled with the sleeves of his black sweater.

With a quiet sigh that not even Hyungwon could hear, Hoseok ran his fingers through Hyungwon’s fringe, pushing the brown locks away from his eyes. “Don’t overwork yourself. You already can do so much more than you think.”

Hyungwon lifted his head a little to get a better look at Hoseok and he furrowed his brows, his smile dropping as he shook his head. “But it’s not--”

“Yes, it is. It is perfect.” Hoseok smiled down at him, having cut him off before he could even dare put himself down again. Hoseok wouldn’t allow it. A frown fell over Hyungwon’s lips for a moment as he dropped his gaze in defeat, and Hoseok chuckled softly at the childish pout. “Come on, we should get back to the dorm.”

Hyungwon was quick to lift his head from Hoseok’s shoulder, frowning at him. “I wanna practice more! It’s been a few hours since I last practiced the choreography.”

“Hyungwon, we have practice in the morning. Early. We can practice the choreography then, okay? Besides,” he paused, glancing towards the clock hanging on the wall, “it’s already really late and I’m sure we’re gonna get a full speech from Kihyun when we get back. Let’s not make that worse on ourselves.”

With small whine of defeat, Hyungwon made a face at the suggestion as he wanted to have all of his parts, singing and dancing, perfected for their next promotions. He didn’t want to keep falling behind the others and he wanted to finally improve after this long year like the others already had. He wanted to prove he can do so much more. But still, he let Hoseok have his way and stood up with a sigh. “Fine, we can head back then.”

 

Hyungwon clicks the door closed behind them as softly as he can and Hoseok takes his shoes and jacket off as quietly as possible at two in the morning. They both hoped that Kihyun was fast asleep already and they could sneak in the shower for a quick ten minute wash after another day of practice, but luck was not on their side.

Just as they set another foot into the dorm they heard a door creak open and before they could even glance at each other, Kihyun came stomping towards them with a face red in anger. “What ungodly time do you two think it is?” his voice was quieter than they had expected, but it still hit them both like a scream, causing them both to practically shrink back away from the smaller man. Or well, not Hyungwon. He stood his ground and instead frowned, lips barely parted, narrowed his eyes, and stitched his brows together. Kihyun inhaled deeply to steady his anger at the look of pure disgust that Hyungwon gave him. “The hell is your problem?”

“It’s just that your voice is...very...grating.”

Hoseok held back a laugh with fake cough and hid his smile behind his head, deciding it best not to look at Kihyun and how he folded his arms over his chest and shifted his weight.

“Is that so?” Kihyun raised a brow, giving a slight smirk. “Well, if that’s the case, maybe I should just talk more often. What do you think?” Both Hyungwon and Hoseok dropped their amusing expressions, but before they could even dare protest, Kihyun let out a sigh and spoke, “go clean up already. We have more preparations in the morning.” Kihyun walked away back in the direction of his shared room while Hyungwon and Hoseok hurried to wash up.

 

Hoseok laid there on his side, his covers pulled up past his nose as he listened to the soft snores of Hyunwoo already fast asleep. He was exhausted and could barely toss and turn in his bed, but still sleep wouldn’t come to him. His body was so worn out but his mind was practically running through so many thoughts all at once that he could barely even keep up with them all.

It was beginning to annoy him as he knew he had schedules early and would probably get no more than two hours of sleep at best. But if his mind kept up like that then he’d be hearing Kihyun and Minhyuk filing into the room to wake them all up before he even began to drift off to sleep.

He pulled his knees up more as he curled his body more, trying to find a more comfortable position in hopes that that was the only reason he was having troubles falling asleep. The sound of creaking from the bunk bed beside him rang louder in his ears than it actually was, and he cursed whoever it was that shifting in their sleep so loudly and disturbing his mere attempt at resting. The sound quieted only seconds later and Hoseok squeezed himself into a rather comfortable position at last, but he felt the mattress of his bed sink behind him with weight and he glanced quickly over his shoulder to see a dark figure sliding itself into his bed.

“Hyungwon?” he grumbled, his voice harsh and barely there from exhaustion.

“Yeah. I couldn’t sleep,” the younger said, dropping his hands on his lap as he sat on Hoseok’s bed right at the edge. “Can I...sleep here for the night?” His voice was low so they didn’t wake up Hyunwoo, but Hoseok wondered why Hyungwon even bothered to ask. It wasn’t uncommon for Hyungwon to squeeze himself into with Hoseok during nights, especially during preparations for a comeback when the anxiety was almost unbearable for everyone. Sometimes Hoseok would be fast asleep when Hyungwon slipped into his bed and he’d wake up in the morning with Hyungwon cuddled close to him and his forehead pressed against his chest.

Hoseok was quick to turn over onto his other side just so he could face Hyungwon. “Yeah, of course.” he moved back, pressing himself closer to the wall so there was just enough room for Hyungwon squeeze in beside him. 

There were a few creaks from the bed as Hyungwon shifted himself underneath the covers, both of them looking to Hyunwoo to make sure it wasn’t enough to wake him up at the very least. Hyungwon settled at last in the bed that could barely hold the two of them and they even had to share pillow has Hyungwon silently cursed himself for forgetting to grab his before. But still, they managed into it.

Hyungwon smiled at the blond as he mouthed a ‘thank you’ and Hoseok gave a nod, leaning close to place a quick kiss on Hyungwon’s forehead. Hoseok was ready to attempt sleeping once again, letting his eyes slip closed as finally his mind seemed to have quieted at long last. But he was pulled back by Hyungwon’s soft voice whispering, “hyung, I promise I’ll do better. I’ll improve just as much as you this time.”

Hoseok pressed himself closer to Hyungwon, slipped an arm under his head to give him some more comfort while his other arm wrapped around Hyungwon to hold him close. “You’ve already improved so much and you’re always working so hard. If you keep this up I’ll fall behind,” Hoseok followed his words with a chuckle, loving how he got to see Hyungwon’s smile that practically glowed even in the darkness of the room. “Rest. I won’t let Kihyun wake you up until the very last second because you were training hard last night as well. Give yourself a rest finally, please.”

The brunet gave a small nod in response and it was his turn to give back to Hoseok as his thanks, so he leaned close and placed a soft peck to Hoseok’s lips, not even giving him enough time to react. He brought their foreheads together, smiling and chuckling under his breath. “Thank you. Thank you for everything.”

“I haven’t done anything, Hyungwon,” Hoseok commented, smiling back. “Now go to sleep, we need to rest.” There was a nod of agreement from Hyungwon, but Hoseok missed it as he closed his eyes quickly and let sleep take him, glad that his mind was quiet and at peace with Hyungwon beside him. All his worries disappeared the very second Hyungwon slipped quietly into his bed that night, slipping in beside him and let their warmth cover each other and the sweet, fruity smells of their shampoo they had used wash over each other.

And at last Hoseok’s sleep was peaceful and undisturbed, and it was soft and comforting. Their schedules and promotions and practices all seemed so far away with Hyungwon’s arms around him and the leg Hyungwon had slung over Hoseok at one point after falling asleep.

Hoseok felt protected, safe, and he hoped Hyungwon felt the same way as he held his thin figure close to him, making sure he was comfortable as they both slipped into a deep sleep for a mere two hours.

And Hoseok wished things had stayed like that, stayed simple like that. He wished the wave of work and anxiety and depression that overpowered them was like any other time. Times that he could handle with a few simple words. But it took only a week for everything to fall apart. For his heart to sink and shatter, and for Hyungwon to go mad in the darkness and loneliness he cornered himself into.

Yet they both ignore it for so long, until one day as practice took over once again, most of them going through the choreography with only a mere four hours of sleep. Hoseok often forgot the moves or just couldn’t get his body to keep up with the others and would either get sent to sit down until the others finished the round of practice or they’d have to start over. He was getting frustrated but his lack of energy today was his own fault.

Not being able to keep up or remember each move wasn’t even his biggest concern, either. He often found himself glancing at Hyungwon from the corner of his eyes or focusing completely on him in the large mirror, sometimes to the point of distracting himself so much that he just found himself colliding with another member who was trying to step in his direction for the line up. Hyungwon seemed so lost, so distant; absent minded as he pulled through each move with barely enough strength to fully hit each sharp turn and point of the choreography. Hoseok had seen one too many times how Hyungwon would trip over his own feet and stumble off to the side, getting a stern shout from the instructor to pick up the pace next time. Hyungwon usually had such perfect footwork and it was usually that the others found it hard to keep up with him and Hyunwoo. But there he was, head hung and eyes on the floor as he barely managed through their hours of practice without looking like he was about to pass out.

Seeing as they didn’t get breakfast that day, Hoseok thought things would go a little better once lunch came around and he and Hyungwon would get their energy back in some kind of amount that would help them through the day. But when they all gathered on the floor of the practice room with the food between them all, everyone ate with such smiles and laughter, but Hoseok had lost his appetite shortly after taking his first bite.

He set his food off to the side, hunching over as he stared at the back of the practice room, eyes unfocused on everything but the tall figure of Hyungwon sitting against the wall, head leaned back against it, knees against his chest, and his eyes shut. The second the food was brought in, Hyungwon wandered over to the back quietly when no one was looking, and he did it well because no one gave even a glance in his direction. No one except Hoseok, that is. 

Or that’s what he thought. But when Minhyuk, sitting beside him, leaned over to him, glancing halfway in Hyungwon’s direction with furrowed brows, he whispered, “is he okay? He looks so out of it...”

Hoseok shook his head, unsure himself. He had seen Hyungwon like that before, more times than he cared to remember, but usually Hyungwon would always come to him, lean on his shoulder, and tell him what was wrong. But today Hyungwon hadn’t said a word to him other than ‘good morning’ when he was woken up. There was a constant tightness in Hoseok’s throat as he watched the brunet in the back, skipping out on yet another meal. Seeing him like that, having already lost too much weight before, Hyungwon looked so small. He looked to fragile and it terrified Hoseok.

“He hasn’t spoken to me,” Hoseok mumbled in reply, not even sure at first if he meant to say that aloud.

But the brunet beside him quickly turned in his direction, a frown over his face. “You’re the one that always cheers him up when he’s like this, though.” Minhyuk’s words hit Hoseok harder than either of them had expected. He choked back a few words of his own, unsure of what they were even going to be as he felt how his heart sank. “Go over and talk to him. You always make him feel better.

Minhyuk was right about that, but Hoseok wasn’t so sure if in that moment he was. Hoseok was always the one who can make Hyungwon feel better, who can make him smile when the wave of anxiety and depression swept over him every now and then. It was no secret to anyone else either that Hyungwon could always prove to cheer up Hoseok in those same times. But as Hoseok looked at Hyungwon in that moment, all the others smiling and laughing together while he and Minhyuk watched the younger trying to sleep through all the noise, he felt scared and he knew he had to try something.

The blond stood and with quiet steps he strolled over to Hyungwon, taking a seat on the hard floor beside him. He was a bit surprised he hadn’t woken him up from that, so he gave a small tap on his shoulder and quiet call of his name and next thing he knew is that Hyungwon jolted awake, giving a small gasp as he quickly smacked Hoseok’s hand away in a defensive reflect.

Hoseok felt a little bad for startling him, knowing that he needed sleep just as much. But before he could reply, Hyungwon tried to quickly rub the sleep from his eyes and said, “oh, I’m sorry for slacking off like that. I’ll get back to practice--”

Before Hyungwon could stand up, Hoseok grabbed his wrist and pulled him back down, stitching his brows together in worry. “No, no. We still have about fifteen minutes before we get back to practice. I just wanted to say that you should really eat something. You haven’t eaten since dinner yesterday.”

“Is that so?” Hyungwon’s voice was quiet and distant, his gaze dropping to the floor but he didn’t really look like he was staring at anything at all. “Sorry, I just haven’t been that hungry lately.”

“You need to eat.”

“Sorry…”

Hoseok gave a small sigh, throwing an arm over Hyungwon’s shoulder and pulling him close, trying to get him to rest his head on his shoulder like he usually did. But Hyungwon didn’t even try to. “Stop apologising,” the blond started, “let’s just go eat with the others and get our strength back so we can get through another day of practice, okay?”

“I’m not hungry,” his voice was so quiet, barely even audible against all the laughs and loud voices from the others. Hoseok looked over at them, noticing that Minhyuk was staring at him with worry in his eyes. And Hoseok shook his head, signalling to the younger that Hyungwon still wasn’t okay, and watched how Minhyuk dropped his gaze, a small portion of his food left untouched.

 

 

He’s watching from the small window on the door, staring into the practice room. Ten o’clock had rolled around after a full day of practice and everyone had already went back to the dorm to finally prepare dinner. Everyone except Hoseok. But he wanted to leave, he wanted to rest and go home, his legs numb from constant moving and constant work, but he wanted to go home with Hyungwon. He had spent a good ten minutes looking for the brunet, and when he found him, practicing more and pulling his tired legs to work in the empty practice room before him, Hoseok felt a tug on his heart. He just watched from the window, hand still loosely on the doorknob.

Hyungwon always asked Hoseok if he’d stay behind to help him practice, and even if all Hoseok did was sit in the back and watch, he liked it. He liked being there for Hyungwon. He liked being the one Hyungwon went to. But he watched him practicing, not having even bothered to tell him he was switching practice rooms.

Hoseok finally opened the door after what felt like an eternity of watching through the window, and eve when he clicked the door closed Hyungwon didn’t stop. He didn’t even notice him. It took for Hoseok to call his name, raising his voice to shout louder than the music that blared throughout the room, for Hyungwon to jump in surprise, quickly turning to him. Hoseok felt bad for scaring him once again that day, but he was too exhausted to show it well enough as he went to turn off the music. Most of all though, his exhaustion came from the way he was being ignored, left behind by the one person who made him the happiest. But he brushed it all off to the side and smiled at Hyungwon, smiled at his distant gaze.

“We should go home. We’ve practiced enough for today.” Hyungwon didn’t even have the strength to fight back, he just gave a nod and brushed past Hoseok without a word to gather his things.

Hoseok was left standing there, his bag already slung over his shoulders. But when Hyungwon went the leave the room, he stopped him. “Hyungwon? Don’t you wanna leave together?”

The brunet hadn’t even realised that he was leaving Hoseok there, and maybe at one point he had forgotten Hoseok was even there as he gave a small jolt when his voice rang through the room once again to catch his attention. Hoseok moved over to him, staring at his tired gaze. “You need sleep,” he said quickly, giving a small sigh as he opened the door for them both.

The way back to the dorm was quiet, neither of them talking. It was awkward and uncomfortable for them both, but that’s when Hoseok realised the tightness in his chest the most and he could barely stop the tears that threatened to fall.

He was terrified.

 

 

As the digital clock on the nightstand beside his bed read two in the morning, Hoseok knew it was going to be another sleepless night. Another of many. Because he can block out everything but the soft snores of Hyunwoo fast asleep and more well rested than he thinks he’ll ever manage to be again, but he can’t stop the way his mind raced through a million thoughts and scenarios and worries and nightmares and regrets all at once in just a mere second. He can ignore the fact that his hands tremble with the covers grasped tightly in them both. He can hold back his tears all night if he had to. He can even scream out all of his worries and doubts in the middle of the night if he wanted to (it wouldn’t be the first time).

But he can never block out the sound of the sobs that seemed to ring in his head and bounce off the walls. They screamed in his ears over and over, making sure that even for a second did he forget they were there, that they surrounded him, and that he could do nothing about them.

Or maybe he could.

Because laying there, eyes staring up at the ceiling as the quiet sounds of Hyungwon’s sobs screamed to keep him awake, was destroying him from the inside. He couldn’t stand hearing the younger cry like that, knowing that he had been slipping away and that the work of their comeback was catching up to him faster than ever before. But what could he do? Hyungwon usually always came to him for help if he felt he needed it, but this time Hyungwon seemed to be crying himself to sleep.

He hated it. He hated it every last bit that he could. He hated nothing more. Laying there and doing nothing, wondering if he even can do anything. Hoseok was always the one that could make Hyungwon happy, that could burn away his depression and self doubt with a few words and promises and a few simple touches and loving silences. So why couldn’t he do that again? Why did he just lay there and listen? Listen as Hyungwon allowed himself to be crushed by every possibility, negative thought, and lack of self confidence?

A few times he blamed Hyungwon himself even, telling himself that it wasn’t his fault Hyungwon constantly needed him. But he knew that was ridiculous and he hated himself even more for having had such thoughts even if only for a second. Even if only for a second of weakness.

But it was killing him, it was killing him to listen to Hyungwon choke on his own cries, to hear when he covered his mouth with his hand because he was too scared of waking anyone up, to let them know of all his problems and all his weaknesses. He didn’t know what it was himself, what drove him to push every thought to the back of his mind at last, but his whole mind when blank in the process and he didn’t even remember why or how he ended up finding himself off his own bed, standing beside the bunk bed and looking at the lump in the thick covers on the top and how it trembled in time with each small cry.

And he doesn’t know how he found his voice in the back of his tears, and how it didn’t shake, “can I sleep with you?”

The cries stopped for a moment and at first Hoseok wondered if time had just simply frozen as he stared at the covers no longer moving and the figure seemingly no longer breathing. Fear sank in and he nearly reached a hand out to check if Hyungwon was okay, but then his quiet harsh voice sounded muffled and tired as could be, “there’s no room.”

That was all it took. All it took to have Hoseok’s knees shaking and threatening to collapse under him, send him falling to the floor. There wasn’t room, honestly there wasn’t, but that never stopped them before. Hyungwon would always sneak into his bed at night, on nights like that one that just seemed to never end and drowned his mind in sorrows that would destroy anyone. And sometimes Hoseok would climb up into his, fit himself next to him and let themselves drown in the scents and warmths and embraces of each other for a night or more.

But he pushed him away. He lied. And Hoseok suddenly couldn’t feel a thing.

“T-Then my bed?” And his voice shook and he stuttered around his words, desperation oozing out with each syllable he stumbled over.

“I’m tired…” Hyungwon’s voice was so weak, so distant and lifeless, so sick and disgusting; and Hoseok almost couldn’t bare to listen to it. But in that moment, he couldn’t bare to listen to anything at all. The snoring faded, the creeks of the wood floor beneath his feet faded, the sobs in his head faded, and loud violent pounding of his heart had faded as well.

He needed to sit down. He needed to sit back down because his feet felt like they were being crushed and they grew numb quickly, causing him to stumble back to his bed. And laid there again, staring at the wall with blank eyes and slightly parted lips to draw in his breaths when it had become hard to do so normally. He didn’t notice the way he trembled, the way his stomach twisted and turned and his throat tightened around every word he still wanted to say. Every word he wanted to scream in frustration. He wanted to yell at Hyungwon, tell him he was being selfish and tell him to get over it, tell him to pick himself back up and cry about it later. Hoseok wanted to be selfish, he wanted to be ridiculous and pathetic and he wanted to feel bad about it later. As long as it got Hyungwon back up, even if it was just to yell back at Hoseok for being so cold and heartless in a time when he just needed comfort; even if that’s all it got him, he still wanted it.

He wanted to yell at Hyungwon for pushing him away after everything he had done for him, he wanted to get mad at him and hate him for making everything seem like a waste and for treating it like it was. For treating Hoseok like he meant nothing. He wanted to hate every last moment with Hyungwon and he wanted him to know it, just so it wouldn’t hurt so much to hear those words, to hear him push him away and reject him with the memories of all they had done for each other still fresh in his mind.

But he couldn’t hate him. He never could live with himself if he did.

Hoseok just felt so distant, gone; empty. He felt like all it took was those words to rip out everything inside of him and leave him as just a shell with no purpose or will anymore. A puppet. And god did he hate it. He felt pathetic and useless, like he could do nothing on his own and for a moment he truly believed he was nothing more than that. And it was then in that moment that he realised something else that made it all that much more unbearable but also gave reason to why everything shattered around him in just a few words.

He knew Hyungwon meant so much to him, that he would do any for Hyungwon just to make him smile and make all his troubles go away. But he never realised until then that Hyungwon was more than that, that he was Everything. And to be pushed away by Everything shattered every last bit of his heart and mind into a million pieces. Hyungwon had hurt him before, and he had hurt Hyungwon. They had destroyed each other before in fits of anger and violence and arguing, and it would destroy them afterwards, too. Hoseok had been shattered by him before, and he always ended up picking up those pieces just to give them back to Hyungwon.

But in that moment he wasn’t so sure he could pick them all back up again. And he lost himself in his empty pathetic thoughts, in all his meaningless worries; because suddenly nothing had meaning anymore.

Hyungwon was everything to him, and he couldn’t even cry.

At one point he heard the floorboards creak once again, but he didn’t move to look. He knew it was Hyungwon. And it was only a minute or two later that he heard the soft, distant sound of the faucet in the bathroom turn on full, and it took even less time than that for him to hear Hyungwon’s sobs start up again. The walls were thin, too thin, and he cursed them for being that way.

He wanted to protect Hyungwon, to hold him in his arms and rock him back and forth as he cried onto his shoulder instead. Anything was better than hearing him cry on his own. He didn’t want Hyungwon to be lonely, to feel like he couldn’t turn to anyone for help. To think that Hoseok no longer wanted to help him. But then he wondered why? Why did Hyungwon suddenly push him away? He never got that bad before, he never pushed Hoseok away so much so suddenly and it scared him.

It scared him beyond belief and the limits of his own mind to hear Hyungwon crying in the bathroom, scared anyone will hear him as he believed the rushing of the water would drown out the pain he couldn’t stop. Sitting there doing nothing once more destroyed him and he wanted to help Hyungwon, to go in there and hold him until the pain was gone.

But Hyungwon didn’t want him.

And it took until the next day, to peek through the window on the practice room door and see Hyungwon dancing on his own, for Hoseok to truly understand that. Or well, he wanted to understand. He wanted to know that he had done something wrong and if he just gave Hyungwon some time or they talked it out and he fixed the problem that everything would be okay again.

He watched him fight through the sickness he had brought onto himself from overworking and he watched him overwork himself again. He stood back and watched him destroy himself and his health and he watched as their managers yelled at him to stop acting like a child. He watched the other members watch from afar as Hyungwon said he’d do better and take care of himself and put on a smile through their schedules so their fans wouldn’t worry. And Hoseok put on a smile as best he could as well as he fought through every screaming thought in his head and every dagger that embedded itself into his heart.

And he watched Hyungwon practice and practice and practice even more to the point that he collapsed, tears streaming down his face as he slammed a fist down on the floor. Hoseok watched from behind the door as Hyungwon’s whole body trembled and he fought to stand up, his fists shaking and his legs not even moving.

Hyungwon’s screams and shout were louder than the music that blared from the room, even through the thick walls and closed door. Hoseok couldn’t stand to hear the brunet beat himself up, call himself useless as he couldn’t even stand.

Any other time Hoseok would’ve thrown that door open immediately and pulled Hyungwon into his arms, hug him tight and tell him everything’s okay. He would’ve done everything he could to take care of the younger and make him smile, and he would’ve smiled, too. But he was hesitating, his hand on the knob but not turning it at all as he just watched how Hyungwon destroyed himself. Hyungwon didn’t want him, he didn’t want his help so maybe he should just turn away and leave him be. Leave him to figure it out on his own.

Maybe it was for the best that just pretends he never saw it.

Hyungwon’s tears stained his cheeks and his eyes were red and puffy, his lip quivering violently as cried out. His fingers reached for his brown locks and grabbed fistfuls, pulling and tugging and ripping at the short locks of hair. He couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t dance, he couldn’t sing. What use was he? He’d never catch up to the other members. He’d never sing as well as Kihyun. He’d never dance as well Hyunwoo. He’d never be as bright as Minhyuk. He’d never be as clever as Changkyun. He’d never be as heartwarming as Jooheon. And he’d never be as caring as Hoseok and he’d never be able to compose like him.

The group was already completed without him, so why was he there? He held them back, that’s all he did. He trained and trained with them every day and sometimes longer, but still he couldn’t even compare. He knew what everyone said about him, he knew what everyone thought about him and he never missed the looks everyone gave him.

Was he really just a face? That’s what everyone else saw him as even since before the beginning. That’s all he was and he had to face that fact, he knew it. But he wanted to be more. He beat himself up everyday to work harder, to smile brighter and speak a little louder. He pushed himself to finally fit in and give something back.

He wanted to cry out again, yell at himself for still not being able to do anything. But his tired and worn voice got stuck in his throat when he felt arms wrap around him tightly, holding him close as a strange warmth washed over him. He could feel hot and uneven breaths against the crook of his neck before a head dropped to his shoulder. He didn’t need to look to know it was Hoseok, and he dropped his gaze when that realisation hit him; when he realised Hoseok had watched his moment of weakness.

But to Hoseok, Hyungwon was anything but weak. To Hoseok, Hyungwon had something all of the members lacked, and that was strength. Hyungwon dealt with so much and he did it with a smile. He pushed himself harder than anyone ever could and he still managed to get up each day and work even harder than the last. At times his strength got the better of him and he made him do stupid things just to prove to himself he had a reason which always resulted in him being sick. But still, Hyungwon was so much stronger than all of them and Hoseok wished he knew that and would stop picking fights with himself to prove that strength that he denied over and over again.

“Hyungwon,” Hoseok started, his voice quiet and warm against Hyungwon’s shoulder, “you are everything. You can push me away as much as you want, you can yell at me to stop being so clingy; I don’t care. Because no matter what, I will always remind you that you are everything.”

Hyungwon didn’t say a word as he spoke, he just sat there and listened, tears still sliding down his cheeks and Hoseok just held him tighter.

“You’re everything to me,” the blond added with what sounded like a small cry to follow it as his voice began to fail him. But still, he lifted his head and smiled, even if Hyungwon wasn’t even looking at him. And he would continue to smile at Hyungwon even if the brunet never looked at him again.

Because Hyungwon can push him away and reject him as much as he wanted to, but he would still be everything to Hoseok for as long as they’re together. Hyungwon would always be able to make Hoseok smile and he always matter to him. He’d always mean the world to him. And Hoseok can get mad at him and want to yell at him to pick himself up, and Hyungwon can call himself weak and pathetic, but in reality Hoseok could never hate him and Hyungwon’s breakdowns would never be a sign of weakness.

Maybe one day Hyungwon wouldn’t have to beat himself up, cry himself to sleep or escape to the bathroom to cry until he just couldn’t anymore. Maybe one day he wouldn’t feel so alone and maybe then he’d understand.

Hyungwon meant everything to Hoseok, and Hoseok wished he still meant everything to Hyungwon as well. Perhaps one day he would again. Maybe one day Hyungwon would look at him and he’d smile at him again. It didn’t matter if Hyungwon smiled at Hoseok or not anymore, just as long as he smiled. And it didn’t matter if Hyungwon continued to push him away like that, because Hoseok would always be there to pull him back whenever he began to slip away.

He just wished Hyungwon knew of all the things he’d go through just to make him smile again, smile genuinely like he used to. And he’d hold him tight in his arms until he did, because Hyungwon was everything to him and he always would be.


End file.
